Is marriage a fountain of happiness or a source of suffering?
In the current day Sri Lanka, wedding ceremony has superseded marriage in importance. Some of us spend years, if not decades, preparing for our weddings. We spend enormous amounts of money, often borrowed at a high interest, on the function. A vast number of people contribute in addition to the main two actors: The parents of both sides, siblings, other relatives, friends. The commercialization of wedding receptions has grown exponentially, creating new breeds of professionals/ tradesmen: Wedding photographers, dressmakers, choreographers, dancers and even Wedding Consultants.
We invest huge amounts of money, time and energy in our wedding ceremony. Some of the time we mortgage our future, too. In the form of loans taken or capital spent on the wedding reception. We would do better, in my opinion, if we pay a little attention to this question: Do we invest with equal zest in our marriage as we do in our wedding ceremony?
Now then what is marriage? Is it not one with the wedding? Good wedding = good marriage, right? Let us take a closer look.
When we marry what do we do? We live together, sleep together (the best part for the deprived!), we eat together. We make children, we bring them up. We plan the future, make decision, carry out our plans together and hope for best. We differ in opinion, we argue fuss and fight, we get mad at each other and don’t talk anymore for hours or days.
Basically marriage is a long term relationship where the physical and emotional intimacy is at the highest possible level. We make love to each other. We reveal our darkest secrets to one another. In short, we live together.
Except for the physical intimacy, making children, and planning for the future together, marriage is somewhat similar to any other long term relationship we may have. For an example having to live with a roommate for few years at the university.
If we look at couples who live together for long periods of time, including roommates and longstanding close friends, we can recognise those who appear to be happy and well and who do not: Those happy people in long term relationships – Not those who try to show they are happy! Now start observing these really people and try to list the ways, characteristics, demeanors, qualities they show. Perhaps we can learn a lesson or two from them.
In my observation, I have seen following:
• The respect each other a lot. They really listen to the wishes of the other person. They really want to know what the other person is concerned of these days. And how he/ she is doing. They try their best not to hurt the other person unnecessarily. They never resort to physical violence unless it was a flash-of-a- second act of impulsivity, which might never happen in the lives of most of them.
• They not only respect each other a lot, they show it. They exchange little gifts (not gift vouchers or cash), which clearly demonstrate that the gift giver is somewhat aware of the needs/ wishes/ likes of the gift receiver. They exchange listening time/ comforting physical touch/ words of encouragement between each other. They appreciate what each other does or does not do. Sometimes with not many words spoken.
• They not only show each other the respect they have for one another, they let others see that, too. Now, this is not acting in front of others to show that you are a loving couple. This is something that comes after above two points. Such couples hardly ever talk wrong of each other in front of other people. They hardly raise their voice to each other in front of others.
• When they make decisions, they have some sense of the way they need to go about it. They know that the two should act like a unit. This unit may later incorporate children. The decision making, be it a small one like deciding what to eat for dinner, or a one of paramount importance like deciding where to build our new house, is done by this unit. The unit, which is largely free of the influence of others, i.e. parents and relatives and friends.
• If the two differ in their opinion, which is the rule rather than the exception, they argue, fuss and fight. They may threat each other, hurt each other and be really cross with each other. They are not scared to do this. But they seem to know that it is them that have to make the decision ultimately. Finally they do that. And face the consequences, whatever they are. If the consequences are negative, they try not to put the blame on the one who was in favour of that particular decision.
• If they cannot do this, if they cannot function like a unit, they are ready to leave each other. They appear not to be trapped in this relationship. They can have a life even without their better half. Although they might really hate the separation. They are ready to sacrifice the relationship for the happiness of each other. The respect for each other is that much.
When we list some of these characteristics of a couple living happily, we begin to see the depth and breadth of marriage. On the other hand we have the wedding. The breadth and depth of which is limited to what you plan to do with your wedding saree and the Nilame attire and the cost of the photography and the rest of the nonsense.
The sad observation is that many people invest so much in their wedding and start off a long term relationship, namely their marriage, with huge debts. The amount they have to pay each month to the bank and other creditors are enormous. And they have to adjust to the new life of having to live together. In this context how can one show respect to each other? How can one repeatedly remind oneself not to raise voice at one’s better half in front of other people?
It seems now that a good wedding does not guarantee a good marriage! Well, one would argue that if our parents fully fund our marriage, we can start off a new life happy and free. The caveat is in the word ‘free’. How can you be free, when some outside party has invested millions of rupees in the joint venture you are just about to start?
If the couple plan to function like an independent unit of their own liking, they need to function like a unit. They need to take decisions of their own. Even if they may not sound or look perfect. Do you think your millionaire parents, or your uncle in Australia, who invested millions in your wedding, would say nothing if you decide to delay having kids by two years? Or one of you to have a tattoo? Or to give up your religions?
We may conclude that investing in the long term relationship is much more important than investing in the wedding. However, with that we immediately face a challenging question: Why do we, then, believe that the wedding is very important? More important than the marriage sometimes?
Let us explore who created this image in our minds and how they were able to do it, in a future date.